hello, 4:30 AM. Nice to see you again.

i have not slept past 9am in over two weeks. ugh my bones hurt

Um..

That cupcake smelled like a giraffe at the como zoo
It smelled
This fucking cat is a lazy motherfucker
Live it up, you're a human, you live longer
We don't live longer than Sea Turtles
We won't live longer than 2010
It's because I am John Cusak, and you are Sean Little
Yeah dude, we'll ride Noah's Ark
Seifer, you're a lazy ass.

Hey Katy, can I have some liquor?




(This has been an update of things my friends are saying. Happy Thursday.)

I have this nostalgic trend of replacing sleep with blank stares at the ceiling and dreams with daydreams of conversations I'll never have with people.

I have these vile vinegar words on my tongue that don't belong there, but I can't spit them out because someone put them there for me and clapped a hand over my lips so all I can do is choke them down. Can't get that taste out.

I used to be a good person, years ago. I was a good person who was mentally bludgeoned. My spirits were taken down and dragged through the dirt by their ankles. My trust was strapped to the chair with an audience of ten to witness its execution. I'm dominated by confusion and frantic featherdusting, repairs to unbroken things. I used to be a good person but now I'm tiptoeing that line, the thick red line. I am a destroyed, unfeeling husk of mistakes and burdens. Sometimes I'm a demon, coldly observant and selfish and using my long, yellowed claws to curl people into my grip solely to toy with them. Somehow I am both sides of this person and neither one of them at once.

I am the white knight carrying the princess (this house) from danger, even as she writhes and kicks in my arms. And then I am blamed for dropping her.

world war motherfucking three, as Jess put it.

Motherfucking psychopaths busting down our front door to beat the shit out of a roommate over a goddamn girl. Welcome to high school, bitches. This is ridiculous.

YEAH, WHAT.

The final word was "rooted" and I am a moron for not getting it but damn look at that score. I am a loser

I've reached another point where I'm so entirely dissatisfied with who I am that I shove everyone out of my life until I'm even more dissatisfied with myself.

Spiraling down to complete isolation, which at this point, I am not too scared of. I don't know if it's me or people or my people but I'm really exhausted of it all right now. I've been sick and cranky and depressed for weeks and I really have to grab these bootstraps and help myself back up. In a funk, so to speak.

I'm tired of the mess, dirty dishes, the smell of cat litter, shit talking, the dip on the right side of my bed, sneezing, seeing my breath outside, getting rained on, waiting for the bus, wearing shoes, drinking, crying, drinking more, feeling nauseous, my ipod dying after ten minutes, feeling hungry, not feeling hungry, and every single piece of my clothing besides my sweatpants

I love my mom and my dog and my cat's okay too sometimes, but I wish she'd be nicer to me.

I dunno give me tons of Americone Dream ice cream and an efficiency apartment on Saturn and I think I'd feel better. Bon Jovi can come.

skipping class today like a loser. my once a week, 1pm, easy as shit english class. my future's lookin brighter than the sun right now.

I can't wait to be interviewed on the red carpet when I'm 40. "Where did I go to school? Actually, I'm still attending community college back in Minnesota. Yeah, I take one class a year, two if I'm feeling particularly ambitious. Hopefully I'll be graduating soon! Fingers crossed!"

Just finished up watching The Bourne Supremacy.

Two Items:

1. I have a massive fangirl crush on Karl Urban, it's getting out of hand
2. I am now terrified of being captured by the CIA even though I didn't do anything. But if it's Karl Urban kidnapping me I guess it's okay

I am very tired. That's all.

last night I drunkenly told my boss I loved him.

thanks, whiskey.

I had a dream last night that I was married, and had been for awhile. I was trying to rewrite my wedding vows for a ceremony, but the whole time, all I could do was look at this other man and be in love with him. I remember having a conversation with him and the only thing I could think was, "I married the wrong man," over and over again. While I sat in the grass outside (I specifically remember feeling the sun on my arms), Jess and my roommates drunkenly played "Red Rover" while I tried to put pen to paper to explain why I was still in love with someone I never loved in the first place, all the while watching this man I felt so strongly for be oblivious and happy.

I woke up very melancholy. Incidentally, the man I loved was represented by Sam Merlotte from True Blood but that's beside the point

until I was about twelve, when I said the Pledge, I would always say "I pledge of allegiance to the flag..." instead of the entirely more sensible "I pledge allegiance to the flag." I still have to think about it to say it correctly.

yesterday on the bus, I saw a girl reading manga and immediately felt generally cooler than her. Soon after, I realized I was listening to the Star Trek movie on my iPod (yes, listening, not watching) and became profoundly sad. I felt like a huge loser for the entire hour long ride. did not turn off Star Trek, though.

I ordered a sandwich for delivery the other day, and the total was 10 bucks. I gave the guy a 20 and asked for 12 back because I cannot and will not ever be able to do math under pressure. He laughed at me so I had to ask him to do the math for me. i only tipped him two dollars accidentally because I was embarrassed and nervous.

today I wrote three checks and on all of them I had to count on my fingers to remember that september was the 9th month of the year. even after thinking about 9-11 I still second guessed myself and had to make sure. edit: immediately after posting this, I counted again

This has been a quick edition of why I am stupid, thank you for your time

Isolation is a scary word.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm living every day one by one, not planning, just figuring it out as I go. And I'm not doing a great job of figuring anything out. I'm lost. I know my grounded things, the things I love and the things I feel passionate for. I'm scared of what that means to other people. And I understand that I shouldn't be apprehensive because of what others think, but I've spent so much of me life being a person who aims to please that I don't know what it means to work for a goal for me.

I am frightened. I'm frightened and anxious and regretful and totally not okay. I trust my gut one hundred percent of the time and my gut has only led me to safe. Towards easy. I think I deserve better than easy, but I don't have the momentum to take me there. I can only hope that I someday do.

I love such stupid things. I'm moved and honored and emotionally possessed by certain things that should not be so meaningful. But, I ask myself, to whose standards?

Isolation.

been searching my whole life for the definition of the word dependable. so far the closest i've come is my dog tanner.

school is already kicking my ass and my first class is tomorrow (was yesterday, totally forgot. haaa.)

I want to do short stories/drabbles again which means I need your help :3

I need:

A food
A texture
A place (city, country, bedroom, school, forest, whatever)
A person (celebrity, historical figure, politician, etc)
A random word of your choice.

Also, if there's any particular genre (romance, angst, humor) or relationship (boy/girl, girl/girl, boy/boy, mother and daughter or whatever) that you think of, feel free to include that, but it's not necessary.

Thanks!

Sooooo.

Just bought tickets for Brand New in October. I told myself I wouldn't pay to see them again (this will be #4) but somehow I cannot resist. I literally have ten dollars in the bank but I did it anyway. I don't know what it is about this band but I am magnetically, nostalgically, and enthusiastically drawn to them. Damn hypnosis or some shit.

Better be fun.

Ha ha ha, I got my driver's permit. Five years too late, maybe, but what can you do.

GOING TO WORK DRUNK. GOOD GOD I AM CLASSY. no more wine for me oops